My Son Is Now Voting..

Tomorrow, my 18 year old son will vote for his first time.
I made him register.
I have printed off wording of all our state's proposals.
I made him watch all the debates.
I answered any questions he had.
I made him 'pinky swear' not to tell me his decisions.
Isn't our democracy great!!!
Tomorrow, my 18 year old son will vote!!!!

Old Dog's Thoughts...

My ex has our 14-year-old lab, Chessie, whom I let out while he's at work.

The other day we're walking and I hear a vehicle accelerating, then stop.  Hitting the gas, then stop.  Oh!  Mail!  So I hobble her to the end of the driveway for the mail.  The mail lady has treats!

Five treats later, we head to the house as she proceeds about 150 ft. to the next box.  We could hear the sound of her acceleration, and then her stop.

When she stopped, Chessie stopped.  Her ears went up and she looked at me.  I just shook my head.  She lowered hers and headed back to the house, but gave me a backwards glance.  We both knew that conversation:
"Did the treat lady just stop again?"
"No.  Don't even think about it."
"I won't...but if I was 10 years younger, you know you'd be chasing me now, right?"

Trick or Treat!!!

I have a stray cat I've been feeding.  I already have a cat.  I don't need another cat. It's getting cold.

Now, I wouldn't do this, but I must admit that I fantasized of kids coming to the door, ringing the bell screaming, "Trick or Treat!!!"

That's when I'd open the door, throw a mad cat tied in a bag into their candy bag, yell "Trick!" ...then slam the door and turn off the porch light.

Want a cat?  I never tried putting it in a bag, so it's still sane.

Why Vampires Live Forever...

With Halloween approaching, I got to thinking about how much I liked it as a child. Then, I thought a little further. 

Hey!  Maybe vampires look young forever because they get 'transfusions' from young people with growth hormones (ask Lance Armstrong) and hang upside down half the time (no sagging).

That's what happens when you're over 50 and thinking of Halloween.

Running Away From Home...

FYI:  There are two times in life you cannot have a hissy-fit and run away from home without cops being called: Under 16 or over 86.  That's all I'm saying.

Senior Discount?!?!!

Went with my son (18) and a few friends to see a movie.  We were running late, of cxourse, so I tell my son, "Give me your movie money, I'll get the tickets, get your snacks."

The next morning, he comes over with his friends and says, "Hey, you owe me a couple of bucks."  "What?" I ask.  "Yeah, they gave you $2 off each ticket for being a senior."

They knew the reaction, and about peed their pants:
"Are you kidding me?!?!!  A senior discount?!?!!  I have half a mind to go back to that theatre, ask for the manager, and demand they charge me $2 more per ticket"!!!

Stealing Street Signs..

So, I'm in Cincinnati where I grew up and my parents' home is off of Tylersville Road.  My son's name is Tyler.

Over the years many subdivisions have appeared.  Now there's a 'Tylers Way,' 'Tylers Court,' 'Tylers Glen.'  You get it.

So I drive around looking to 'borrow' a sign and think ..nah.  I call the Road Commission.  Here's how it goes.

"Hey. Road Commission?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah.  I need two road signs.  One for 'Tylers Way,' and one for 'Tylers Place.'"
"You from the Township?"
"No.  I'm an individual."
"Uh.  Usually we get calls from the township ..when one's missing."
"If I were 30 years younger that's exactly the call you'd be getting , cuz I'd taken it.  You going to sell me one or meet me later to hold the step stool and flashlight?"

He's gonna LOVE Christmas!!! 

Political PR people...

... must be pulling their hair out these past few days, and wishing they could pass off super-glue as lip balm to their candidates.

Michigan Power

Michigan residents are struggling for work.  We've seen in the news how some have sold their souls.  Thing is, we have yet to realize our power; how we're about to lose it.

The Great Lakes make up over 20% of the Earth's fresh water, resting on just over a 1,000th's percent of it's surface.

Why are we 'fracking'?  Why are we allowing less regulation for pipelines bringing oil sands through our state than does Canada?

Water that is clean, is power.  Let's keep it that way.

Fracking in Michigan; NO!!

If you have anything to enlighten me/change my mind, please contact me.

As I understand it, fracking is basically inserting chemicals/gels into rock to fracture it and thereby release the trapped gas.  Those chemicals are then in the underlying water table.

Though born in MI, and now in MI, I was raised in Ohio.  Ohio has no water; the Ohio River, Lake Erie and a couple man-made reservoirs.  No wells.  Fracking may be OK there.  But not in Michigan.

Michigan is basically a sponge floating on the Great Lakes.  Michigan peat?  Burl wood?  Bogs? Lakes?  Wells?  NO!!

We fought to keep other countries from exporting our water.  Let's keep it worth fighting for.

U.S. Reresentatives Gone Wild...

Really.  If you're a congressman on a fact-finding mission to Israel, what facts are you hoping to find swimming naked in the Sea of Galiee?

If you're a state rep., you're going to have sex with a 16-yr-old?  Boy?

And, (my favorite) if you're a 'senate hopeful' when asked about abortion you're going to say:
"It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, if it's a 'legitimate rape' the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Priceless.  Educate yourselves about EACH candidate.  Don't vote party; vote conscience.

Of Wisdom Teeth and Frozen Peas..

Thoughts I've had since Jr. got his wisdom teeth out 2 days ago:

1)  If we want to control world population, find a way for men to give birth.

2)  Does anyone buy the cheap peas in a bag to cook?

Costco Member Apology...

My Dad has needed new hearing aids for years.  Finally one broke and we insisted he get some that actually let him hear.

I'd heard Costco started offering hearing tests/aids, so he went and is ecstatic; counting down the days until they're ready, like a kid counting down Christmas morning.  So are the rest of us.

However, they let him 'test drive' his choice by walking around the store and talking to people.  Probably lost a couple memberships there.  Sorry.

Teen Reality..

Today, my 18 year old high school grad learned a classmate died in an auto accident last night.


The particulars are still unknown, however, what is known is that there are parents crying.


And, hopefully, teens thinking.

Teens, Computers n Us...

To further prove my point, when one of Jr.'s friends set up new 'icons' on my computer, he labeled two of them (wait for it):
- not this one
- this one


Enablers, I tell you!!! lol

Teens are Enablers...

They don't mean to be, but it's like this: 
Teen: "Damn it! I told you I'm done cleaning up your mess!"
Me:    "I knowwww. Come on! Just this once?? For me? Pleeeze?!?!!"

Then they help you with your computer..... all's good.

Of XM Radio Comedy Channels...

Sorry haven't been as 'attentive' to you, my followers.  I've had a few weeks of 'elderly relatives' issues.

So.  Now to the funny.

After hours of 'dementia,' I decide that, rather than listen to music, some humor was in order. I then go to the XM Comedy channels, which, I think we can agree, are 'guy channels.'

Every other commercial is either for male 'issues,' or how to reduce your 'IRS/personal/medical debt.' I find this funny because...you know how we women say we like a guy with a sense of humor?

Maybe we should re-think that.

Geriatric Assessment Humor

I know.  There's little laughs going around when you have to take an elderly family member in for an assessment. But, if you can't find some sliver of humor in the process, you'll go nuts.

So.  I take Sr.'s Mom in after she left the hospital to get her car and, instead of driving back to admitting to pick up her daughter from out-patient surgery...drove the 30 minutes home.

The social worker asks her "So, have you been confused when driving?" "No," she answers.  I say "Uh, what about Tuesday when you left your daughter at the hospital?"

Her answer? "But I had no trouble getting home!"

Dementia Sucks

All us friends' parents are over 80, and many have dementia; it sucks.


It seems to either come on you slowly, or it's like falling off a cliff.  Sr.'s Mom falls in the latter category.  Walked to her car to pick up her daughter from same-day surgery ...and just kept driving.  Made it all the way home.  Thought one of her sons (both out of state) was to pick the daughter up.


Writing this, I have no answer.  I have no advice, no solace.  Just hope.

'Portland Proposal' Anecdote...

If you haven't seen the 'Portland Proposal,' I have no idea where you've been.

Shared it with Jr.'s buds, his girlfriend, my friends (male and female).

The guys give some version of "He's set the bar really high."

The girls (no matter age) say, "As soon as he reached the back of that SUV, I'd pull him in, turn to the driver, and say "Hit it!"

Of Michigan Mosquitos and Driving...

This has to be the worst place to have a mosquito; in your car, at dusk, two hours from your destination.

A couple of miles from the rest stop I heard that most feared sound buzzing my ear, "eeeeee."  Oh, crap.  I can't see it, but I know it's there.  And I'm driving!

It got me on the ankle.  It got me on the top of my ear!  I had to stop.

Try finding a mosquito in your car in the dark. Stop for spray instead.

Of Vanity Plates...

I believe those with vanity license plates should get a 'safe driver discount.'  I'll explain.

If you drive and do something criminal, even just stupid, someone is going to remember that catchy phrase you have for a plate.  You gotta behave.

Me?  They'd be saying, "Well, it was either a 'B' or an '8,' and there was either an 'S' or a '5.'

Of Coupons and Heaven...(part 2)

So ...was going down dirt road and saw a woman about 45 and (probably) her Mom stopped in the road.  As I approached, I stopped too; turtle.


She and I both get out of our cars and she says, "Thanks for stopping."  "No problem," I say, "I can  get the turtle.  I can always use another 'cupin'." AND..without thinking, I smack my back pocket as I do to illustrate to the teens.


Here's the funny.... She says "Cupin?" ..and she slaps her back pocket! Now I know she's funny,  so I say, "Yeah, cupins" (smack). "What's a 'cupin?" she asks (smack.) 


I tell her, "A 'cupin' (smack), is for when you die and have to face your transgressions, you can reach in your back pocket and say, "What about that turtle?" 


Ha! Two 'cupins' for me!  Saved a turtle, and made two women laugh.  Nothing better.

Of Coupons and Heaven...(part 1)

I tell Jr. and his 'buds' you must do three things each day:
 * Learn something new or question something you already 'know.'
 * Have a 'word of the day.'  The first of you to use a word you most likely would never use in conversation, has the prize of having all others have to use it once that day, too (the last one was 'eloquent').
 * Do a good deed, no matter how small.  I call them 'cupins' (smack back pocket here).


In order to get teen boys to accumulate 'cupins,' I describe them as this:
You're gonna do things in life that, with 20/20 hindsight look really stupid. When you die and you're  faced with your life's transgressions, you better to be able to reach in your back pocket for 'cupins' (smack back pocket here).


"Hey!  How's 'bout that freshman I stood up for?" ...cupin.'
"I swerved to miss a chipmunk." ....cupin.'


(see part 2 for the funny)


  

Of Dopamine and Procrastination....

I'm the best/worst person to do anything big.

I'm like the guy at the air show that flies a gazillion miles an hour towards the ground and always pulls up at the last minute...until he doesn't.  That's me.

The more mundane the task, the more I put it off (maybe for the adreniline rush of having to get it done?).

My one and only child graduates this weekend.  I'm driving everyone nuts, "Will she pull up in time?!?!!"

Motorcycling Memorial Weekend

This weekend is all about pools opened, tents unfolded, and motorcycle road trips.


If you happen to be female, and riding a bike, tell me I'm not wrong: There's no better way to find that one hair you missed when shaving your legs than when you're on a bike.

Dead Dog Walkin'...

My neighbor got two dogs as pups; one definitely has ADHD (Think of the movie 'Up' ..."squirrel!").


So when she said she'd found a home for him with kids that'd wear him out, every time I saw him, I gave him a treat; dead dog walking, ya know? Then that fell through, so she kept him ...but once you start the treat thing, you can't stop!


Now I'm  kinda committed.  I mean, I like the dog, but I thought it was more of a farewell party sorta thing.  


So far I have taught him to count to three (the number of pieces I tear the treat into), and the 'wiping of the hands thing' which means 'all gone.'  And he's able to be walked ...so long as one remembers every 10 ft. he turns a circle, and after every three circles he makes a large circle around you.


Laugh and I kill you.

The Next US Threat....

It's me. 


Hey!  I don't mean personally... Collectively!!!  Here; try to keep up:
 * Many over 50 and unemployed
 * No unemployment, but...
 * No mortgage
 * No car payment


Also... No insurance and dwindling savings means we'll show up on some chart some day!


Hey.  Know how companies got tax credits/gov't. contracts for hiring women/minorities in the '70s and '80s?  Why not do the same for hiring those over 50?


There's a lot of 'boomers.'  You can put us to work and take advantage of our years of business knowledge and experience, or... You can wait until we can't pay the utilities for the house we own outright, or have medical bills and ...sell all the stocks we 'boomers' own.  Huh.  Wonder what that would do to the market.


Just thunkin.'

Of Erie Walleye and Widows...

When married and living a block from Lake Erie, Sr. once commented on my watching those 'forensic / murder / who-done-it' shows when he wanted to watch something else.

 He said, "Why do you watch those?  You know no one can get away with murder! Give me the remote!"  That's when I said (and I don't know where it came from), "I think I could kill you and get away with it."  He smirked and said, "Right.."  So I elaborated.

 "Every spring, soon as the ice is off, we go walleye fishing.  We're in long johns, boots and rain gear; that's heavy when wet.  We go out 13 miles, in fog. Nary a soul.  You never wear a life vest.  You start the boat before bending over the back to pull up the anchor." 

"If I took my foot, kicked you over, took off, went to shore crying that you fell overboard and that I had circled but couldn't find you before taking 30 minutes to get to shore to report you missing...how long you do you think you could tread 40 degree water?  Think they'd find my footprint on your ass?"

He never took me fishing alone again. That's funny.

Of Kids' Summer Games...

Between my neighbor's and my house lies the only mowed acre for blocks; kid magnet.

We allow them to play ball/wrestle/box (with gloves), so long as they don't litter/bully/cuss/outwear their welcome.  They goofed up.

Played ball, gave Hell to my neighbor, lost an I-Phone. I know! (smirk here).

100 word essay on 'Why I don't want to tick off the person who holds the key to my summer fun AND has my I-Phone'.

And I'm checking spelling and punctuation.

Of Pre-Surgery Questions...

My Mom, who's 85, is soon to have a couple stents implanted. 

I told her I'm going to be there, mainly because I want to talk to her surgeon before the procedure.  She says, "What questions? I'll have all my questions answered days before it's done!"  I then am pressed to explain my definition of 'pre-surgery questions':
 - "Hey, Doc!  Remember me"?
 - "So, explain briefly what we're doing today.."
 - "You're gonna be doing this, right?  No 'observing the new guy practice,' right"?
 - "Good night's sleep"?
 - "You and the wife getting along?  How's the kids"?

Hey. These may prove to be important last minute questions the 'freaked out patient' may not think to ask.

OK.. the last two are just to lighten the mood from asking the ones prior.  Because, I'm just guessing... you tick him off by asking questions, you've defeated your purpose.

Naked

In your adult life ... have you ever inadvertently caught someone naked?

Today was my third time; all men.

First was when I was with a realtor.  She called the seller.  No answer.  No problem; lock box.  He didn't answer because he was in the shower.  Well, maybe up to one minute before we unlocked the door.  Then he was in the hallway.

Next I was gathering signatures and saw a guy (just done working on his car) jump into his truck.  Thought he was leaving.  Walked faster.  He was in his truck to change out of his greasy coveralls before going into the house (of course, I got the signature).

Today went to deliver a baby gift. In my defense, I did yell, "Hello! Hello!"  But when I got to the door, new papa (He's about 35. I'm 55.) was looking out back over the lake.  He had his back to me/naked/drinking a Coke. I think the laughter startled him.

Hey, what do you say in such a situation?  Here's what I said... "I'm bringing another gift next week.  What day's good for you?"

Of Deer Resistant Flowers....

Let me pass along my knowledge of plants deer won't eat.  It's all a scam.


It is said that deer won't eat marigolds; "Plant marigolds around your tasty flowers to protect them."  In a way this does work, but let me tell you how.


A deer approaches your flower garden.  A marigold boarder.  It pulls up the first marigold, munches it, spits it out; "Ew, don't like the taste of that."  Goes to the next one, "I don't like that one either."  Next one, "That tastes bad, too!"  Next, "Different color, but still don't like it!"  "Hey!  You guys!  Come here!  This tastes bad, right?"


Forget the marigolds.  Hot pepper wax spray.  And if you're really mean, empty the bird bath.

Of 'Being Buffaloed'

When I lived in Cleveland, the 'ol guy across the street raised buffalo.  So, when my seeester came to visit, I said, "Hey.  Let's go see the buffalo."

Now, I've heard the saying, "You've been buffaloed!"  I kinda picked up that it meant you'd been had or freaked into backing off.  Turns out... I was right!

So, seeester and I stand along the split-rail fence in awe of their size when, all of a sudden, several of these 7'-at-the-shoulder-thousand-pound beings come running towards us.  Us.  Fast.  Teeny-weeny split-rail fence.

Two feet before running over two screaming seeesters, they put on the brakes and came to a complete stop, looked at us, and strolled away.

I hate old sayings.

Why Parents Cry at Their Kid's Wedding

Jr.'s prom is next week.  He turns 18 the first week of June.  He graduates the 2nd week of June.
I just got my arm out of a cast.  I've got prom tux/dress/hair/flower duties. Family is coming in from out of state.


I think I now know why parents cry at their children's wedding.  I'm sure, in some part, it is for their joy.  However, I'ma guessin' it's more like "Boo-hoo-thank-you!  It's done!!"

Of Parenting Teens...

If you don't HAVE a teen, you won't find this funny.  It's meant 'tongue-in-cheek.'

Hey.  We (unfortunately) hear of adults killing their infants.  We hear of adults killing their toddlers.  We hear of adults killing their boyfriends/girlfriends, their spouses, their elderly parents.  Why don't we hear of anyone killing their teenagers?

Mathematically speaking, that's an anomaly. Parentally speaking, I gotta wonder. There's no greater segment of the population that can tick one off.

Do we REALLY know if all those 'runaways' really are?

Of Unintentional Teen Girl Teaching

So, Jr.'s girlfriend has a classic 'Audrey Hepburn' black satin dress.  She wants him to wear a classic tux with a bow tie.  He says "No."

So I tell her to tell him her dress is pink, and she would "So love" if he would wear a pink shirt/vest/tie.  Then, when he balks, say "Well..you can wear a WHITE shirt...but ONLY if you wear a bow tie."

Bingo.  I'm going straight to Hell.

When to Quit Whining

After 6 weeks, Wednesday was the day I was to be free of the cast on my right arm. Nope.

Being a wise man, my Dr. said he's heard me whining for weeks about how far behind I am in getting my house together for Jr.'s June graduation. He knows I'll jump right in, over-do it, and maybe aggravate the break. Two more weeks.
I agree, but I'm not happy.

Then, today, my neighbor calls me. She says she's going to be gone for a couple of days and asks I keep an eye on her house. First, let me tell you about my neighbor.

She's in her mid-60's. When she was born, she came out with her right arm over her head, and the Dr. used it to pull her out. Her right arm is crippled.
She has a gazillion grand kids and every Christmas knits each a hat, scarf and mittens. She quilts.

So, today, she asks me to watch her house because she's going out of town to participate in a bowling tournament.

Time to quit whining.

Of Karma and Teens...

My right arm has been in a cast for 5 weeks. For the last 3, Jr. has been saying, "When are you going to quit whining about what you can't do"?

Hey, I don't care if you call it 'karma,' getting your 'come-up-on's,' or the result of not abiding by 'The Golden Rule.' I believe it'll catch up with you; yesterday was Jr.'s day. He put his right elbow through glass.

We get to the ER and the receptionist asks how it happend. I wink so she know's I'm kidding. "He's been ticking me off about my arm, so I cut him."

He's going to be OK, but he's bandaged wrist to armpit. Don't you like, if it's going to happen, to have it have some 'poetic justice?'

Of Quitting Smoking and Routines...

If you've ever tried to quit smoking, you know how 'routine' is your enemy. It's also my cat's.

As a kitten, he'd start threading himself about my feet as soon as I got out of bed, asking to be fed. No. He's since learned my routine: Bed to bathroom. Turn on news on way to fridge. Juice for pill. Cigarette. Feed cat.

He's so good, he's learned the difference between 'tap' and 'extinguish'; "Meow."

But now, some mornings, I don't have that cigarette. This messes with my cat because I, too, am accustomed to our routine; 'meow' equals 'feed the cat.'

When I don't have my morning cig, he's waiting, all confused; "She hasn't smoked, but it's been an hour ..should I 'meow' now? Wait?"

Quitting smoking is difficult on everyone around us.

Of Sharing a Toothbrush...

Took Jr. and Girlfriend to Cincy for Easter.

Next morning Jr. looks over Seeester's balcony to the kitchen, yelling at me with a mouth full of foam.

"Hey, what color is your toothbrush"? I say, "Blue," which sends him running and spitting, and then brushing with the green one.

Girlfriend then screams, "Ew! MINE is the green one!" They're both freaked out.

Funny, but it's true; trading spit during a kiss is different than sharing a toothbrush. Funnier yet was the look on Jr.'s face when he thought he'd shared his Mom's toothbrush.

Even better is that I knew the new one I got him was blue; mine's purple.

Of Easter Memories...

Easter brings back memories of patent leather shoes, hats, white gloves, ...and throwing up. Let me explain.

We'd come to Monroe to visit my Dad's sister and family. Lots of great food and (and here's where the story takes a turn) lots of candy.

We lived 4 hours away. Ah, the puke stories I hold dear.

Isn't it strange how 'a certain' sight/smell triggers 'this' memory and 'that' reaction?

I'll get to the point. Don't buy me a chocolate bunny.

Of Easter Egg Hunts...

After my first organized Easter Egg Hunt where a Mom tripped me so that her son could grab my eggs, my parents started their own.

They'd put jelly beans and pennies in plastic eggs and hide them in the yard for us kids and our friends to find, but...

When summer comes, should you find the 'lost egg,' take it from me; don't open it. No amount of potential pennies is worth finding an egg completely filled with ants.

Your Broken Bone Is Healing When.....

When you first break your arm/wrist, you know it; it hurts.

After a while, except for the cumbersome nature of the cast, you kinda forget. This is what happened Sunday.

Jr. and Girlfriend have nothing to do; the mall closes early and no good new movies. I say, "Bowling!" They say, "Yea!!" I go to grab my jacket and we all cry laughing.

We completely forgot my right arm is in a cast. Whatever. We're going. That's when you know it's healing.

However, my Mom is Polish and a Fantastic bowler (notice the capital 'F'?). I am not. So, upon returning, I call her.

I say, "Mom. I went bowling left handed and was the third best of everyone who was there bowling! So, what do you think?!!"

She says, "First, you're an idiot for trying it; you want to break something else?! Next, you're either way better with your left arm, or you were one of only three people in the bowling alley."

Dang it. It was the latter.

Of Winning the Lottery

Tomorrow night one or more may win/split an estimated $500+ million Mega-Millions jackpot.

I spend about $20/yr. on the lottery; today I spent a whopping $7. This is because I am terrible at games of chance. No, I'm terrible-terrible.

When MI got Power-Ball before OH, friends sent $40 for tickets. That's 240 numbers. I didn't have one number. Those odds should have given me something!

So, I'm hoping I was just 'saving up luck' for one big win, though I am 100% sure of winning this bet....

.... I bet everyone who's bought a ticket has, in their head, spent at least $10 million dollars.

Of Using Proper English

I write the way I talk. It may not be proper english, but I know what is proper english.

Years ago even some newspapers and magazines started ignoring 'the rules.' They start sentences with 'and' or 'but.' They end sentences with prepositions. Maybe because it takes less words to make a point.

However, there are times when misuse gets the best of me. Such as,"Items left in car's are not the responsibility of management."

I bring this up because today I bought toothpaste, and as I was throwing away the box I noticed the ad on the side. It reads, "With regular use, it removes stains ordinary toothpaste don't."

How many people might one presume were involved from sketch to production, and not one noticed?

Of Child Spring Allergies and Unintentional Teachings

So, years ago, Jr. found himself unable to breathe easily in the evening due to pollen and humidity; this made him cry. This stuffed him up, which made him cry, which stuffed him up... (repeat until you tear out your hair).

I got out the bottle with the little cap on top and poured to the level prescribed, which is when he screamed, "I hate grape!!" "OK...I can do this," I thought.

I get him a Coke. I say, "Look, here's what you're going to do. Grab the medicine cap with your left hand and the Coke with your right. Now, when I say, drink the cup and hurry and swallow the Coke. I promise you won't taste it."

Success.

Then, once all's quiet, I'm thinking....

I JUST TAUGHT MY TODDLER TO DO SHOTS!!!!

A Funny Dog/Owner Reunion Story

One Friday it was 'raining buckets' when my sister left work. So's not to get stuck on I-75, she decided to take the country back roads home.

As she reached a corner to make a turn, there, sitting in front of a huge rock, sat an old collie soaked to the bone. Her heart got the best of her. She opens her door and says, "Are you lost?" He gladly jumps in onto her car's white interior.

Once home, she puts him in the laundry room and heads to the pet store; dry and canned food, shampoo, brush and a collar and leash so she can take him out without him taking off.

Next comes several baths, brushings, and the meticulous snipping of any mats her salon conditioner couldn't remove. Then clean the car, the laundry room and wash towels. Saturday she buys a staple gun, makes copies of a flyer and posts them around where she found the dog.

She gets a call from an elderly farmer and the reunion brought tears to her eyes as her heart swelled with pride for the good deed she had done.

The dog jumps in the old gent's truck and as they are about to leave he again thanks my sister saying the old farm dog has never looked better, then adds, "Strange thing is, in all the years I've had ol' Bo, he's never gone past that big rock on the corner of our property."

Of Giving Pills to Pets (part 2)

Years ago we got a couple of cabins up north for a vacation for the entire family; everyone met at our house.

I had made arrangements for a neighbor to watch the dog and cats, but one of our cats had to take pills for the next couple days. The neighbor has cats, but I didn't want to leave it all to her, so I at least wanted to get one in the cat before we left.

We tried the 'hold the back of the neck' thing, the 'pill popper' thing... no go.

I then say, "I hear if you keep their front feet off the table..." Nope. "I hear if you cut the corner off an old pillow case so just their head sticks out..." Nope. But, in retrospect, it's the funniest thing ever.

After an hour of trying and collectively wearing a pound of shed cat hair, we left with a message to the neighbor to try, if she wants.

I call the neighbor the next day to see if all's OK and ask about the pill situation. When she tells me she's been successful, I ask her how. She says, "I just put it on the floor and she ate it."

Of Giving Pills to Pets (part 1)

If you take your dog to the vet and he says, "One pill, twice a day, for one week;" no problem.

After the first two you don't even have to wrap it in a cheese slice anymore. You open the deli drawer of the fridge and rustle the bag of cheese slices and she's there prancing saying, "Gimmie the pill, gimmie the pill." It's swallowed before she even thinks, "Huh. Didn't taste cheese." But cats?

The vet tells me, "Just sit the cat on the counter, as she is now, then grab the back of her neck. See how her mouth opens? Then put the pill in the back of her throat, hold her mouth shut, and she swallows it. See?" Riiiight.

First, she doesn't know him, but when we get home she's all "Go ahead. Try it."

And mixing it in food doesn't work. Cats are picky. Not dogs! Heck, a dog will eat what the cat throws up!

My Theory On Why 'Fixing' Male Pets Keeps Them Close

Jr. has a girlfriend who's 6 mo. old cat 'skirted out the door,' and came back 4 days later; time for the 'snip-snip.'

Now, medically speaking, they say males (once the testosterone wanes) will no longer have the urge to wander. I believe it's actually for other reasons.

I think, be it dog or cat, if you run away and return days later to find the punishment is the the loss of your marbles, you're saying, "HELL! I'm never leaving this yard again!! What's next? A leg?!?!!"

Of Pooling Resources

First of all, Happy St. Patrick's Day! I'm so mad I didn't think ahead and choose green as my cast color. Sympathy and green? I'd be paying nothin' tonight!

Truth be told, I'm probably not going out. I'm with my parents pooling our resources. No, I'm not talking money.

My Dad doesn't hear well, my Mom has 'back issues,' and I have an arm in a sling. Together we make one whole person.

Of Breaking Bones and Polish Moms

I haven't written in a few days because I broke my wrist.

It was the 'OMG Tri-Fecta'; broken bone (right wrist)/right-handed/no insurance. Woo-hoo!

So, the break is at the same angle at which you would slice a french loaf; it's off-center, but "Should heal OK." I ask, "Can't you just stretch it and pop it in place and then cast it"? He says, "We could, but you'd have to have constant pull for a while to keep it in position...there's no way to do that."

HA! Polish Mom=bowling balls!!

This can only end funny. I'm headed to my parents' to walk around their house with a bowling ball in my hand hanging from a cast on my arm.

Now, there's no time anyone has ever wished for door-to-door solicitors, but I can only hope one comes to my parents' door. Really.

Of Teenage Boys and Locust

If you have a teenage boy you will so understand this; they're like locust.
They come with friends in a massive swarm, eat everything in sight, and move on.

So, I ask, "Why did you leave the empty cereal/cracker/crouton/popsicle box?" They're answer? "We didn't want to let you know we ate them all."

Spitting mad, I say, "Are you kidding me!! I'd eventually figure that out! How did you determine it better that I learn that when I have a cereal bowl, milk and no cereal?!?!!" They're answer? "We wouldn't be here then."

Aughhhh!!

Of the PERFECT Presidental Candidate

It's my Mom.

Granted, she may not be versed in economics, but you wouldn't be reading flack about a $250 tax credit for growing a mustache; hell, she'd tear it off your face for asking.

And that TX Dr. looking at 100 years for bilking the government for $375 million? Ah, honey, my Mom.

First, he'd be glad he had medical training, because my Mom would skin him alive. But she wouldn't put him in prison; she'd make him work the rest of his life for free.

We need a hands-on-the-hips, don't-snow-me, spank-and-a-kiss, quit-whining-just-do-it Mom for President. We'd be loved. We'd be feared.

Of Eyesight and Age

It seemed not more than a week after I turned 40 I realized I had 'sight issues.'

Since then I have realized that the older one gets, the worse the eyesight. Most consider this a curse; I believe it to be a gift from God. Let me explain.

Your eyesight deteriorates at about the same rate as your body. So, no matter what your age, you can step out of the shower, look in the mirror and say, "Still lookin' good!"

And that's a gift!!

Of Texting and Riding

We all know why we shouldn't 'text and drive.' I want to address why we shouldn't 'text and ride.'

Before cell phones, all child passengers such as myself were left to talk or look out the window. You'd notice the hawk perched atop a pole, or how the trees' shadows played upon the snow. You'd talk.

Why don't we all take that little bit of time to interact with the one with whom we are riding? Why not talk about what we see, or what we think? If you don't experience life, what's there to text about?

Of Gender and Hearing Loss

I've got a friend in his mid-fifties who thought it time to get his hearing tested.

After the tests were completed the Dr. told him, "You have normal hearing loss for a man your age. It's primarily in your right ear, and in the tonal mid-range." My friend asks, "Might that be the 'range' of a woman's voice"? "Why, yes, it is," the Dr. answered.

"That makes sense," my friend replied, "I usually drive"!

Of 'Universal Signs'

My sister is right; we need a new 'Universal Sign.'

She's not talking about the likes of the 'hands-around-the-throat' sign for choking, rather the ones we use when driving. I agree.

If you reach a 4-way stop at the same time as another, one waves the other on. If someone lets you in front of them on the expressway, you give a 'thanks' wave over your seat once you've changed lanes.

We need to come up with one for 'I'm so sorry, my bad.'

Of True Valentines

It's a few minutes until Valentine's Day, but true love knows no day, no year, no minute.

My parents are 85 and have been married for 61 years; but wait.

They still kiss when they first meet at the breakfast table. They read each other articles from the paper. They hold hands. They think the other is the funniest, most loving, most annoying person they could never live without.

May we all, once in our lifetime, have a Valentine's Day with such a person.

Happy Valentine's Day, Mom and Dad!!

Of Saying "I'm Sorry"

I have a rule. If you yell and scream and then realize that you are wrong, you must apologize with equal furor.

So, Jr. recently found himself on the 'wrong side' of this rule.

"I'm sorry," he says meekly. I ask, "For..?" He answers. But he was not done; "Because..?" "And..?" "And so..?" "Because..?" "So, what you're saying is..?"

Hey, I'm trying to raise a good husband here!

Of Fortune Cookies

Laminated and attached to the front of my fridge are two fortune cookie slips.

A few months ago, I got Chinese carry-out. They gave me two fortune cookies. The first one opened read, "Smile! A smile will make you young forever." The second one opened read, "Smile when you are ready."

Of E-Mails and the Calendar

If there was a game show where they showed you one day's unwanted e-mails and asked you to guess, within two weeks, the time of the year when it was received.... I'd nail it.

I've recently received a lot of e-mails for cookware and software (must have had a bad Christmas.) I've been sent every 'meeting' site, and everything for 'if that goes well'; jewelry, flowers, cruises 'etc.'

Everyone is worried about my Rx coverage, that I get the most back from my taxes, that my IRA is safely invested and that my credit score is OK. I have been invited to learn how to melt/remove/add-to or disguise things.

If there were such a game show, my answer would be: "I'll like to put $10,000 on 'What is between January 31st and Valentine's Day,' please."

Ah-HA!! (Whew!)

I had started to question whether I may be getting 'memory issues.'

A few months back I woke up and thought, "Did I mark next week's hair appt. on the calendar?" Nope, but when I showed up, I didn't have an appt. Yet, I knew I had made it. I could remember what I was wearing when I called, that I had a cup of coffee and the paper...

Then, I call Mom to update her on something we had discussed earlier and she has no idea what I'm talking about. This had happened enough times over the course of the last 3 mos. that I was starting to get concerned ...until...

A couple of weeks ago I noticed I was getting low on TP (with teen boys that's anything less than 12 rolls.) I forget until I replace a roll, so I've been to the store (and forgotten) a few times since. BUT, I caught me!

Last night I had a dream I remembered. It was the most mundane dream ever. In it I awoke, showered, got dressed, made coffee, got the mail and paid bills. I then went to the grocery and, along with other items, bought TP!!! I paid, drove home, etc. (I know, really?).

Ah-HAH!! I caught me!! I immediately got up to check; no TP! It then hit me. I've been messing with my own mind!

Hey. In our mind there's the 'emotional' you, the 'aggressive' you, etc. As soon as I find out which 'you' of mine thinks this is funny, they're dead!!

Of Teens and Stress Tests

Jr. has a job after school, but stops by here for his brown-bag dinner.

"So, what time do you start?" "Oh, I called in. I didn't feel like going today (long pause). Just kidding!" "Are you kidding me?! I was ready to kill you! You're an idiot!"

Reminds me of my last doctor's appt. "Since your last stress test was 10 years ago, we should schedule one." "Doc, I have a teen. I can think of no better stress test. If I was going to have a heart attack, I'd have had it by now."

Of (unintentionally) Confusing Infants

I woke up in bed having somehow turned 90 degrees. It looked like my ceiling, but the light was coming from the wrong angle. Took a moment. It made me think of how we unintentionally confuse our kids.

When a baby first realizes he has control of his hands, it's funny. But, think about it. As momentarily confusing as it was for me, an adult, how would it be for someone who just realized they have control of their hands?

Now, how confused would you be if you went to bed at home and woke up in a cart in Meijer's?

Of Teens and Evolution

Settle down. This is not about theology, it's about 'parentology' (I just made that up.) I'm talking modern evolution.

Grandma told your Mom the stove was hot, she told you, and so on; that's 'modern evolution.' "No!" "Stop!" "Don't pick/eat/tease/throw/do that!"

So... If you have or have ever had a teen, you will share my awe in how we ever got to where we are. Now, let us pray. ;)

Of ASPCA Commercials

Dear ASPCA,World Wildlife Fund, etc.:

I've stopped traffic to help a turtle cross the road, 'ya know? If anyone would give you their last dime, it would be me.

Let me now tell you why you don't have it; a little marketing advice (and I can't find a job?!):
* People that really care, even Jr.'s friends, can't stand to watch your commercials. We hurry to hit 'mute' and 'guide' so we don't have to hear or see it.
* If those that truly care can't watch to the end of the commercial, they won't see how to donate.

So... don't show the one-eyed, three-legged dog shivering in a cage with that 'help me' look on it's face! Show the adopted, one-eyed, three-legged dog smiling and hobbling around someone's back yard!

You're welcome (and I can't find a job?).

Of Politics and 'The Mouths of Babes'

While watching 'The Address' tonight, one part reminded me of Jr. It was when President Obama said he would 'isolate Iran' until they fall in step with nuclear policy; they then showed Ms. Clinton nodding.

This summer Jr. and I were watching one of those graphic war movies when he said, "You know, there would be less war if women ruled the world." On the inside I was giggling, high-five'n myself and turning cart wheels. On the outside I calmly said, "What."

"High School, mom. If some guy, I don't know, whatever, you fight! That's why countries have a 'red button' (add rolling of eyes here). Mommm. Hiiiigh Schoool. Girls don't fight, they separate you! If women ruled the world it'd be more like, 'No. I don't think so. Go ahead, talk to her, she's not giving you aid neither!' They could cut you off in ONE DAY"! We both laughed to tears, but...

I gave his forehead a big kiss (after he was asleep, of course), ....and after I was done giggling, high-five'n myself and turning cart wheels.

If Politicians Played Baseball (part two)

So... Jr. comes through the door around 8 after seeing his girlfriend.
"Zup"
"Not much. Thing's OK?"
"Great"
"So, you staying here tonight?"
"That's the plan!"

Then he notices the coffee table; notebook, pens, highlighter, pistachios, wine glass.
"So, what's this?"
"Oh, tonight's the State of the Union address!"
"Ah, hell, I'm going to dad's!!"

If Politicians Played Baseball (part one)

My mom loves her baseball, but you don't want to watch a game with her.

She always says, "I'll turn it down low," but that's even worse! If it were loud enough to hear the announcer's tone raise, you wouldn't be scared out of your skin when all of a sudden she jumps up screaming at the TV, "Are you kidding me?! What are you thinking?!" Or, "Now you get it!"

Then there's me. You definitely want to have one cup of coffee under your belt before I join you with mine to share the paper; "Are you kidding me?!...."

If politicians played baseball, we'd clear the block!!

Of Sub-Woofers and Heart Attacks

After a job all summer and after school, one of Jr.'s friends was able to update his $500 'beater' to a 'decent ride.'

He came by grinning like a new papa, begging we go for a ride (another 'note-to-self' moment.) Jr. took 'shot-gun', which left me the back seat. Friend then proceeds to tell of all the best features; I didn't hear any of them. As a matter of fact, I didn't hear anything for two hours afterward because the first feature demonstrated was the subs.

I'm guessing the next was how fast they could get to by the end of my street, followed by the sharp turning radius as he made the corner. The whole time, every cell in my being is 'bumping' to a rythmic beat.

Because I'm SURE somewhere along the line my heart stopped, I'm wondering if maybe it was that 'bumping' that resuscitated me.

More on the 'obituary' thing...

I don't have insurance, so the $850 I recently paid to crown a tooth was quite a blow.

I told the dentist that when I die, I'm going to have myself enbalmed with a full smile on my face because "Dang it, if I've put this much money into it, you're going to see till the end."

He laughed and said he hopes he lives longer than me just to see people walk to my coffin crying and then go "Aghhh!!!!"

Of ex's and Telemarketers

My ex and I are best friends. This confuses a lot of people. But, think about it; nothing proves more cohesive than having a common enemy (a teen.)

So... when he's out of town, I house-sit since he has the elderly dog. I love when telemarketers call.
"Is ___ there?"
"No."
"Is this Mrs. ___?"
"No. This is his ex, he's out of town. Oops! I guess I shouldn't have told you that"

Then I hang up.. and laugh!!!

They call me 'Madre'

I've got a teenage son, and the 20 friends that follow. I am the house they all stop by after school, the one they tell their troubles to, and the one who tells them when they are full of it. They call me Madre.

So... I have to go to the HS lunchroom to pay for Jr's cap and gown (because he forgot) and when I walk in, from at least four tables I hear "Hey! Madre!"

I know the teachers there had to wonder what was up, but I felt like... Madre.

Of Age and Obituaries

So... I've read the paper front to back since I've been 10, including the obituaries (they were next to Ann Landers.)Back then I'd read of someone 50 and I'd think "Well, they lived a long life." Now, I scream out loud "50!!"

And maybe it's just me, but I liked when they used to tell you how someone died; lung cancer, diabetes. Maybe if they did that now and you're 40 and you recognize yourself there you'd say "Woah."

ANYway... I bring this up because I ran across an obituary I'd cut out years ago because.. well, just read:

"Debbe danced to our Lord Thursday. As she would want, there is a BBQ Saturday. Everyone should bring a covered dish, and don't try passing store-bought potatoes and brown gravy; we will hurt you. And don't ask when you can pick up your dish; we're keeping them. Feel free to bring a date, so long's you're not too closely related. Two drink minimum."

Now, THAT'S the way to go.

The X-Mas After Party

Alright. Remember when Mom and Dad tucked you in Christmas Eve? Now, we tuck THEM in ...and play cards.

For YEARS we've done this, and years ago sis woke up hung-over and I told her "You need a little 'hair of the dog'". She said "A HAIRLESS DOG?!??

Since then, we've called it a Chihuahua.