Of Teens and Stress Tests

Jr. has a job after school, but stops by here for his brown-bag dinner.

"So, what time do you start?" "Oh, I called in. I didn't feel like going today (long pause). Just kidding!" "Are you kidding me?! I was ready to kill you! You're an idiot!"

Reminds me of my last doctor's appt. "Since your last stress test was 10 years ago, we should schedule one." "Doc, I have a teen. I can think of no better stress test. If I was going to have a heart attack, I'd have had it by now."

Of (unintentionally) Confusing Infants

I woke up in bed having somehow turned 90 degrees. It looked like my ceiling, but the light was coming from the wrong angle. Took a moment. It made me think of how we unintentionally confuse our kids.

When a baby first realizes he has control of his hands, it's funny. But, think about it. As momentarily confusing as it was for me, an adult, how would it be for someone who just realized they have control of their hands?

Now, how confused would you be if you went to bed at home and woke up in a cart in Meijer's?

Of Teens and Evolution

Settle down. This is not about theology, it's about 'parentology' (I just made that up.) I'm talking modern evolution.

Grandma told your Mom the stove was hot, she told you, and so on; that's 'modern evolution.' "No!" "Stop!" "Don't pick/eat/tease/throw/do that!"

So... If you have or have ever had a teen, you will share my awe in how we ever got to where we are. Now, let us pray. ;)

Of ASPCA Commercials

Dear ASPCA,World Wildlife Fund, etc.:

I've stopped traffic to help a turtle cross the road, 'ya know? If anyone would give you their last dime, it would be me.

Let me now tell you why you don't have it; a little marketing advice (and I can't find a job?!):
* People that really care, even Jr.'s friends, can't stand to watch your commercials. We hurry to hit 'mute' and 'guide' so we don't have to hear or see it.
* If those that truly care can't watch to the end of the commercial, they won't see how to donate.

So... don't show the one-eyed, three-legged dog shivering in a cage with that 'help me' look on it's face! Show the adopted, one-eyed, three-legged dog smiling and hobbling around someone's back yard!

You're welcome (and I can't find a job?).

Of Politics and 'The Mouths of Babes'

While watching 'The Address' tonight, one part reminded me of Jr. It was when President Obama said he would 'isolate Iran' until they fall in step with nuclear policy; they then showed Ms. Clinton nodding.

This summer Jr. and I were watching one of those graphic war movies when he said, "You know, there would be less war if women ruled the world." On the inside I was giggling, high-five'n myself and turning cart wheels. On the outside I calmly said, "What."

"High School, mom. If some guy, I don't know, whatever, you fight! That's why countries have a 'red button' (add rolling of eyes here). Mommm. Hiiiigh Schoool. Girls don't fight, they separate you! If women ruled the world it'd be more like, 'No. I don't think so. Go ahead, talk to her, she's not giving you aid neither!' They could cut you off in ONE DAY"! We both laughed to tears, but...

I gave his forehead a big kiss (after he was asleep, of course), ....and after I was done giggling, high-five'n myself and turning cart wheels.

If Politicians Played Baseball (part two)

So... Jr. comes through the door around 8 after seeing his girlfriend.
"Zup"
"Not much. Thing's OK?"
"Great"
"So, you staying here tonight?"
"That's the plan!"

Then he notices the coffee table; notebook, pens, highlighter, pistachios, wine glass.
"So, what's this?"
"Oh, tonight's the State of the Union address!"
"Ah, hell, I'm going to dad's!!"

If Politicians Played Baseball (part one)

My mom loves her baseball, but you don't want to watch a game with her.

She always says, "I'll turn it down low," but that's even worse! If it were loud enough to hear the announcer's tone raise, you wouldn't be scared out of your skin when all of a sudden she jumps up screaming at the TV, "Are you kidding me?! What are you thinking?!" Or, "Now you get it!"

Then there's me. You definitely want to have one cup of coffee under your belt before I join you with mine to share the paper; "Are you kidding me?!...."

If politicians played baseball, we'd clear the block!!

Of Sub-Woofers and Heart Attacks

After a job all summer and after school, one of Jr.'s friends was able to update his $500 'beater' to a 'decent ride.'

He came by grinning like a new papa, begging we go for a ride (another 'note-to-self' moment.) Jr. took 'shot-gun', which left me the back seat. Friend then proceeds to tell of all the best features; I didn't hear any of them. As a matter of fact, I didn't hear anything for two hours afterward because the first feature demonstrated was the subs.

I'm guessing the next was how fast they could get to by the end of my street, followed by the sharp turning radius as he made the corner. The whole time, every cell in my being is 'bumping' to a rythmic beat.

Because I'm SURE somewhere along the line my heart stopped, I'm wondering if maybe it was that 'bumping' that resuscitated me.

More on the 'obituary' thing...

I don't have insurance, so the $850 I recently paid to crown a tooth was quite a blow.

I told the dentist that when I die, I'm going to have myself enbalmed with a full smile on my face because "Dang it, if I've put this much money into it, you're going to see till the end."

He laughed and said he hopes he lives longer than me just to see people walk to my coffin crying and then go "Aghhh!!!!"

Of ex's and Telemarketers

My ex and I are best friends. This confuses a lot of people. But, think about it; nothing proves more cohesive than having a common enemy (a teen.)

So... when he's out of town, I house-sit since he has the elderly dog. I love when telemarketers call.
"Is ___ there?"
"No."
"Is this Mrs. ___?"
"No. This is his ex, he's out of town. Oops! I guess I shouldn't have told you that"

Then I hang up.. and laugh!!!

They call me 'Madre'

I've got a teenage son, and the 20 friends that follow. I am the house they all stop by after school, the one they tell their troubles to, and the one who tells them when they are full of it. They call me Madre.

So... I have to go to the HS lunchroom to pay for Jr's cap and gown (because he forgot) and when I walk in, from at least four tables I hear "Hey! Madre!"

I know the teachers there had to wonder what was up, but I felt like... Madre.

Of Age and Obituaries

So... I've read the paper front to back since I've been 10, including the obituaries (they were next to Ann Landers.)Back then I'd read of someone 50 and I'd think "Well, they lived a long life." Now, I scream out loud "50!!"

And maybe it's just me, but I liked when they used to tell you how someone died; lung cancer, diabetes. Maybe if they did that now and you're 40 and you recognize yourself there you'd say "Woah."

ANYway... I bring this up because I ran across an obituary I'd cut out years ago because.. well, just read:

"Debbe danced to our Lord Thursday. As she would want, there is a BBQ Saturday. Everyone should bring a covered dish, and don't try passing store-bought potatoes and brown gravy; we will hurt you. And don't ask when you can pick up your dish; we're keeping them. Feel free to bring a date, so long's you're not too closely related. Two drink minimum."

Now, THAT'S the way to go.

The X-Mas After Party

Alright. Remember when Mom and Dad tucked you in Christmas Eve? Now, we tuck THEM in ...and play cards.

For YEARS we've done this, and years ago sis woke up hung-over and I told her "You need a little 'hair of the dog'". She said "A HAIRLESS DOG?!??

Since then, we've called it a Chihuahua.