Of Winning the Lottery

Tomorrow night one or more may win/split an estimated $500+ million Mega-Millions jackpot.

I spend about $20/yr. on the lottery; today I spent a whopping $7. This is because I am terrible at games of chance. No, I'm terrible-terrible.

When MI got Power-Ball before OH, friends sent $40 for tickets. That's 240 numbers. I didn't have one number. Those odds should have given me something!

So, I'm hoping I was just 'saving up luck' for one big win, though I am 100% sure of winning this bet....

.... I bet everyone who's bought a ticket has, in their head, spent at least $10 million dollars.

Of Using Proper English

I write the way I talk. It may not be proper english, but I know what is proper english.

Years ago even some newspapers and magazines started ignoring 'the rules.' They start sentences with 'and' or 'but.' They end sentences with prepositions. Maybe because it takes less words to make a point.

However, there are times when misuse gets the best of me. Such as,"Items left in car's are not the responsibility of management."

I bring this up because today I bought toothpaste, and as I was throwing away the box I noticed the ad on the side. It reads, "With regular use, it removes stains ordinary toothpaste don't."

How many people might one presume were involved from sketch to production, and not one noticed?

Of Child Spring Allergies and Unintentional Teachings

So, years ago, Jr. found himself unable to breathe easily in the evening due to pollen and humidity; this made him cry. This stuffed him up, which made him cry, which stuffed him up... (repeat until you tear out your hair).

I got out the bottle with the little cap on top and poured to the level prescribed, which is when he screamed, "I hate grape!!" "OK...I can do this," I thought.

I get him a Coke. I say, "Look, here's what you're going to do. Grab the medicine cap with your left hand and the Coke with your right. Now, when I say, drink the cup and hurry and swallow the Coke. I promise you won't taste it."

Success.

Then, once all's quiet, I'm thinking....

I JUST TAUGHT MY TODDLER TO DO SHOTS!!!!

A Funny Dog/Owner Reunion Story

One Friday it was 'raining buckets' when my sister left work. So's not to get stuck on I-75, she decided to take the country back roads home.

As she reached a corner to make a turn, there, sitting in front of a huge rock, sat an old collie soaked to the bone. Her heart got the best of her. She opens her door and says, "Are you lost?" He gladly jumps in onto her car's white interior.

Once home, she puts him in the laundry room and heads to the pet store; dry and canned food, shampoo, brush and a collar and leash so she can take him out without him taking off.

Next comes several baths, brushings, and the meticulous snipping of any mats her salon conditioner couldn't remove. Then clean the car, the laundry room and wash towels. Saturday she buys a staple gun, makes copies of a flyer and posts them around where she found the dog.

She gets a call from an elderly farmer and the reunion brought tears to her eyes as her heart swelled with pride for the good deed she had done.

The dog jumps in the old gent's truck and as they are about to leave he again thanks my sister saying the old farm dog has never looked better, then adds, "Strange thing is, in all the years I've had ol' Bo, he's never gone past that big rock on the corner of our property."

Of Giving Pills to Pets (part 2)

Years ago we got a couple of cabins up north for a vacation for the entire family; everyone met at our house.

I had made arrangements for a neighbor to watch the dog and cats, but one of our cats had to take pills for the next couple days. The neighbor has cats, but I didn't want to leave it all to her, so I at least wanted to get one in the cat before we left.

We tried the 'hold the back of the neck' thing, the 'pill popper' thing... no go.

I then say, "I hear if you keep their front feet off the table..." Nope. "I hear if you cut the corner off an old pillow case so just their head sticks out..." Nope. But, in retrospect, it's the funniest thing ever.

After an hour of trying and collectively wearing a pound of shed cat hair, we left with a message to the neighbor to try, if she wants.

I call the neighbor the next day to see if all's OK and ask about the pill situation. When she tells me she's been successful, I ask her how. She says, "I just put it on the floor and she ate it."

Of Giving Pills to Pets (part 1)

If you take your dog to the vet and he says, "One pill, twice a day, for one week;" no problem.

After the first two you don't even have to wrap it in a cheese slice anymore. You open the deli drawer of the fridge and rustle the bag of cheese slices and she's there prancing saying, "Gimmie the pill, gimmie the pill." It's swallowed before she even thinks, "Huh. Didn't taste cheese." But cats?

The vet tells me, "Just sit the cat on the counter, as she is now, then grab the back of her neck. See how her mouth opens? Then put the pill in the back of her throat, hold her mouth shut, and she swallows it. See?" Riiiight.

First, she doesn't know him, but when we get home she's all "Go ahead. Try it."

And mixing it in food doesn't work. Cats are picky. Not dogs! Heck, a dog will eat what the cat throws up!

My Theory On Why 'Fixing' Male Pets Keeps Them Close

Jr. has a girlfriend who's 6 mo. old cat 'skirted out the door,' and came back 4 days later; time for the 'snip-snip.'

Now, medically speaking, they say males (once the testosterone wanes) will no longer have the urge to wander. I believe it's actually for other reasons.

I think, be it dog or cat, if you run away and return days later to find the punishment is the the loss of your marbles, you're saying, "HELL! I'm never leaving this yard again!! What's next? A leg?!?!!"

Of Pooling Resources

First of all, Happy St. Patrick's Day! I'm so mad I didn't think ahead and choose green as my cast color. Sympathy and green? I'd be paying nothin' tonight!

Truth be told, I'm probably not going out. I'm with my parents pooling our resources. No, I'm not talking money.

My Dad doesn't hear well, my Mom has 'back issues,' and I have an arm in a sling. Together we make one whole person.

Of Breaking Bones and Polish Moms

I haven't written in a few days because I broke my wrist.

It was the 'OMG Tri-Fecta'; broken bone (right wrist)/right-handed/no insurance. Woo-hoo!

So, the break is at the same angle at which you would slice a french loaf; it's off-center, but "Should heal OK." I ask, "Can't you just stretch it and pop it in place and then cast it"? He says, "We could, but you'd have to have constant pull for a while to keep it in position...there's no way to do that."

HA! Polish Mom=bowling balls!!

This can only end funny. I'm headed to my parents' to walk around their house with a bowling ball in my hand hanging from a cast on my arm.

Now, there's no time anyone has ever wished for door-to-door solicitors, but I can only hope one comes to my parents' door. Really.

Of Teenage Boys and Locust

If you have a teenage boy you will so understand this; they're like locust.
They come with friends in a massive swarm, eat everything in sight, and move on.

So, I ask, "Why did you leave the empty cereal/cracker/crouton/popsicle box?" They're answer? "We didn't want to let you know we ate them all."

Spitting mad, I say, "Are you kidding me!! I'd eventually figure that out! How did you determine it better that I learn that when I have a cereal bowl, milk and no cereal?!?!!" They're answer? "We wouldn't be here then."

Aughhhh!!

Of the PERFECT Presidental Candidate

It's my Mom.

Granted, she may not be versed in economics, but you wouldn't be reading flack about a $250 tax credit for growing a mustache; hell, she'd tear it off your face for asking.

And that TX Dr. looking at 100 years for bilking the government for $375 million? Ah, honey, my Mom.

First, he'd be glad he had medical training, because my Mom would skin him alive. But she wouldn't put him in prison; she'd make him work the rest of his life for free.

We need a hands-on-the-hips, don't-snow-me, spank-and-a-kiss, quit-whining-just-do-it Mom for President. We'd be loved. We'd be feared.