Motorcycling Memorial Weekend

This weekend is all about pools opened, tents unfolded, and motorcycle road trips.


If you happen to be female, and riding a bike, tell me I'm not wrong: There's no better way to find that one hair you missed when shaving your legs than when you're on a bike.

Dead Dog Walkin'...

My neighbor got two dogs as pups; one definitely has ADHD (Think of the movie 'Up' ..."squirrel!").


So when she said she'd found a home for him with kids that'd wear him out, every time I saw him, I gave him a treat; dead dog walking, ya know? Then that fell through, so she kept him ...but once you start the treat thing, you can't stop!


Now I'm  kinda committed.  I mean, I like the dog, but I thought it was more of a farewell party sorta thing.  


So far I have taught him to count to three (the number of pieces I tear the treat into), and the 'wiping of the hands thing' which means 'all gone.'  And he's able to be walked ...so long as one remembers every 10 ft. he turns a circle, and after every three circles he makes a large circle around you.


Laugh and I kill you.

The Next US Threat....

It's me. 


Hey!  I don't mean personally... Collectively!!!  Here; try to keep up:
 * Many over 50 and unemployed
 * No unemployment, but...
 * No mortgage
 * No car payment


Also... No insurance and dwindling savings means we'll show up on some chart some day!


Hey.  Know how companies got tax credits/gov't. contracts for hiring women/minorities in the '70s and '80s?  Why not do the same for hiring those over 50?


There's a lot of 'boomers.'  You can put us to work and take advantage of our years of business knowledge and experience, or... You can wait until we can't pay the utilities for the house we own outright, or have medical bills and ...sell all the stocks we 'boomers' own.  Huh.  Wonder what that would do to the market.


Just thunkin.'

Of Erie Walleye and Widows...

When married and living a block from Lake Erie, Sr. once commented on my watching those 'forensic / murder / who-done-it' shows when he wanted to watch something else.

 He said, "Why do you watch those?  You know no one can get away with murder! Give me the remote!"  That's when I said (and I don't know where it came from), "I think I could kill you and get away with it."  He smirked and said, "Right.."  So I elaborated.

 "Every spring, soon as the ice is off, we go walleye fishing.  We're in long johns, boots and rain gear; that's heavy when wet.  We go out 13 miles, in fog. Nary a soul.  You never wear a life vest.  You start the boat before bending over the back to pull up the anchor." 

"If I took my foot, kicked you over, took off, went to shore crying that you fell overboard and that I had circled but couldn't find you before taking 30 minutes to get to shore to report you missing...how long you do you think you could tread 40 degree water?  Think they'd find my footprint on your ass?"

He never took me fishing alone again. That's funny.

Of Kids' Summer Games...

Between my neighbor's and my house lies the only mowed acre for blocks; kid magnet.

We allow them to play ball/wrestle/box (with gloves), so long as they don't litter/bully/cuss/outwear their welcome.  They goofed up.

Played ball, gave Hell to my neighbor, lost an I-Phone. I know! (smirk here).

100 word essay on 'Why I don't want to tick off the person who holds the key to my summer fun AND has my I-Phone'.

And I'm checking spelling and punctuation.

Of Pre-Surgery Questions...

My Mom, who's 85, is soon to have a couple stents implanted. 

I told her I'm going to be there, mainly because I want to talk to her surgeon before the procedure.  She says, "What questions? I'll have all my questions answered days before it's done!"  I then am pressed to explain my definition of 'pre-surgery questions':
 - "Hey, Doc!  Remember me"?
 - "So, explain briefly what we're doing today.."
 - "You're gonna be doing this, right?  No 'observing the new guy practice,' right"?
 - "Good night's sleep"?
 - "You and the wife getting along?  How's the kids"?

Hey. These may prove to be important last minute questions the 'freaked out patient' may not think to ask.

OK.. the last two are just to lighten the mood from asking the ones prior.  Because, I'm just guessing... you tick him off by asking questions, you've defeated your purpose.

Naked

In your adult life ... have you ever inadvertently caught someone naked?

Today was my third time; all men.

First was when I was with a realtor.  She called the seller.  No answer.  No problem; lock box.  He didn't answer because he was in the shower.  Well, maybe up to one minute before we unlocked the door.  Then he was in the hallway.

Next I was gathering signatures and saw a guy (just done working on his car) jump into his truck.  Thought he was leaving.  Walked faster.  He was in his truck to change out of his greasy coveralls before going into the house (of course, I got the signature).

Today went to deliver a baby gift. In my defense, I did yell, "Hello! Hello!"  But when I got to the door, new papa (He's about 35. I'm 55.) was looking out back over the lake.  He had his back to me/naked/drinking a Coke. I think the laughter startled him.

Hey, what do you say in such a situation?  Here's what I said... "I'm bringing another gift next week.  What day's good for you?"

Of Deer Resistant Flowers....

Let me pass along my knowledge of plants deer won't eat.  It's all a scam.


It is said that deer won't eat marigolds; "Plant marigolds around your tasty flowers to protect them."  In a way this does work, but let me tell you how.


A deer approaches your flower garden.  A marigold boarder.  It pulls up the first marigold, munches it, spits it out; "Ew, don't like the taste of that."  Goes to the next one, "I don't like that one either."  Next one, "That tastes bad, too!"  Next, "Different color, but still don't like it!"  "Hey!  You guys!  Come here!  This tastes bad, right?"


Forget the marigolds.  Hot pepper wax spray.  And if you're really mean, empty the bird bath.

Of 'Being Buffaloed'

When I lived in Cleveland, the 'ol guy across the street raised buffalo.  So, when my seeester came to visit, I said, "Hey.  Let's go see the buffalo."

Now, I've heard the saying, "You've been buffaloed!"  I kinda picked up that it meant you'd been had or freaked into backing off.  Turns out... I was right!

So, seeester and I stand along the split-rail fence in awe of their size when, all of a sudden, several of these 7'-at-the-shoulder-thousand-pound beings come running towards us.  Us.  Fast.  Teeny-weeny split-rail fence.

Two feet before running over two screaming seeesters, they put on the brakes and came to a complete stop, looked at us, and strolled away.

I hate old sayings.

Why Parents Cry at Their Kid's Wedding

Jr.'s prom is next week.  He turns 18 the first week of June.  He graduates the 2nd week of June.
I just got my arm out of a cast.  I've got prom tux/dress/hair/flower duties. Family is coming in from out of state.


I think I now know why parents cry at their children's wedding.  I'm sure, in some part, it is for their joy.  However, I'ma guessin' it's more like "Boo-hoo-thank-you!  It's done!!"

Of Parenting Teens...

If you don't HAVE a teen, you won't find this funny.  It's meant 'tongue-in-cheek.'

Hey.  We (unfortunately) hear of adults killing their infants.  We hear of adults killing their toddlers.  We hear of adults killing their boyfriends/girlfriends, their spouses, their elderly parents.  Why don't we hear of anyone killing their teenagers?

Mathematically speaking, that's an anomaly. Parentally speaking, I gotta wonder. There's no greater segment of the population that can tick one off.

Do we REALLY know if all those 'runaways' really are?